It's funny but you read quite a bit on the internet and in books about how "aspies cannot lie". As discussed in a previous post, that's simply not true.
Aspies can tell lies - it's just that lies don't come naturally to us. We tend to be truthful, even when the truth hurts - and we expect** others to be truthful to us.
**I don't mean "expect" in the discipline sense but rather literally. We automatically assume that people are telling us the truth without question. That's one of the reasons we seem so naive. It's also the reason that "is it really?" becomes something of a catchphrase for many aspies.
When you read about aspie "brutal truths" and relationships, the books always seem to use the example question, "does this dress make me look fat?". This is very misleading because many aspies do know how to "lie" for this question - and really, if that was the level at which brutal truth operated, we could all live quite happily with it.
It's not this question that is the problem, it's other, deeper questions.
Confusing Questions About the Future
When couples are courting, they often ask confusing questions to which the answers are indeterminate.
They aren't seeking lies but they aren't seeking absolute truths either. As it turns out, these questions are intended to gauge hopes and reactions.
Aspies however tend to answer these sorts of questions with absolute honesty - and with devastating results.
Examples - and wrong answers;
Q. Where do you see us in the future?
A. I don't know
An aspie will often answer this way because he can't see the future. In fact, the asker is asking whether the aspie would like them to be together and whether he is willing to work as part of a "team" to achieve that result. An answer of "I don't know" is misleading for the NT. It makes them think that you're undecided about the relationship and unwilling to commit.
Q. Will we be together forever?
A. No.
Ok, nobody lives forever and most aspies get the fact that "forever is subjective" - although some don't.
The partner question to this one asks if the couple will be together for their lifetime. A lifetime is a long time and aspies may give poor answers which take into account, the possibility of divorce and issues of commitment. Such a response can kill a relationship before it begins.
Q. Do you love me?
A. I don't know.
This is one of the real "relationship killer" questions. Most people struggle with the concept of love but it's a real problem for aspies because there's no clear confirmation that an emotion they're feeling actually is "love". Many aspies have difficulty finding the boundaries between strong friendship and love.
I remember asking one (suspected) aspie if he loved a particular girl. He said, "no, we're just friends". My wife then asked him if he had kissed the girl in question and following confirmation, asked for more details. It turned out that the kissing had been fairly passionate.
The aspie was quite stunned when we pointed out that people who were "just friends" generally didn't engage in such behaviour. That was the domain of love. When we explained to him about the signals he'd been sending to his "friend" and how that impacted her expectations of the relationship, he began to get quite agitated.
It was obvious to us that he didn't have a clear understanding of the boundaries between friendship and courtship.
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